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17th February 2014

5:10pm: "Some people build a bed to lie on. Some people build a road to Zion."
I'm making an overdue Valentines mix for Kim, or "Kim-bug" as I affectionately call her. We just celebrated our second anniversary a few weeks ago and we live together in Old Town. How weird is it how quickly things can change. We're planning some big trips for this summer, which should be awesome! I've always wanted to go to Japan, and I want to watch some baseball when I'm there! Maybe I should visit yellow_abyss's aunt and uncle?

Things are good at the Lyric. I got a substantiation raise at the beginning of the year, and that feels really great. On Valentines Day I took Kim to a sold out screening of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that I cried during. I certainly wasn't the only one. It's such a great film and Kim had NEVER seen it! She didn't even know that Jim Carrey was in it!

Kim's off teaching yoga now, and I miss her a bit, even if it is cheesy!

5th February 2012

2:55pm: I've been crying at concerts lately.

13th October 2011

8:19pm: Weird dreams....
Three Nights Ago

I'm at a martini bar where all of the servers and bartenders are Muppets. How they mix, pour, and handle drinks is beyond me.

Two Nights Ago

I was being hassled by a large group of German youths.

Last Night

I got Jimmy Fallon a bunch of candy for free so he gave me a shout-out on his show. I missed it on tv so i went to Hulu, but it was down, so I traveled back in time to the night before to be at the show where he gives me a shout-out. Then he calls me up on stage to be part of a Captain Planet sketch. I am flying around and being really dramatic with it, and then he fires me for being too dramatic and not comical enough.

yeah. weird.

6th May 2011

1:16am: et all
I am tumbling every movie I see here.

In other news, I like my new job. I haven't had a day off in over a week and won't have one for at least over another week, and I am stoked for the road trip Allie and I are going on on the 22nd. Then, we might be going back to Portland 3 weeks later to see the Mountain Goats. I really want that to happen too. Then I might go with her to San Francisco for a week in July, but that is looking less likely. Keeping my fingers crossed though!


ps. we're having the best sex ever!!!

20th April 2011

1:33am: Jobber
I am starting a second job at Mad Greens on Thursday. This is what the money is going to go to in order.
1) Road trip to Oregon with Allie
2) A New Guitar
3) Trip to San Francisco
4) Subsequent Trips to Visit Allie in Eugene
5) Eventually, a new laptop

Yay. :)

11th April 2011

3:40pm: Three Things
I Love Three Things in Life:

1) Playing Music
2) Traveling
3) Allison Knight

15th March 2011

3:49am: Little Goals
I didn't realize it was Allison's birthday until 3 hours and 45 minutes into it. That is seriously steps in the right direction. I was hanging out with Stephanie, but I don't things will work out. Sad, but okay.

14th March 2011

2:43am: Oh life...
Well he is back. I keep looking at his name in her facebook status and keep waiting for it to hurt, but it hasn't yet, it just feels numb. I think this is a good thing.

Her and I got in a big thing the other day. She asked me what I wanted her to tell me and I said I wanted to know when why and how she knew that she wasn't into me like I was into her. She said "December 30th, 2009." This seemed oddly specific so I asked for the details. She showed me her journal entry from that day and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She had been telling me these things for so long, but they always seemed like a self defense mechanism because i lived in san francisco. They always seemed constructed to protect herself. But seeing it in that context, an outlet never meant for me to see, was kind of sobering. I have to fucking move on and stop killing myself like this.

I worked tonight and went to The Vault to hang out with Jeff. I met his friend (and short-term ex girlfriend) there. He name is Stephanie, and she is so cute and hyperactive and bubbly and I think this will be my first real post-Allison prospect. I don't feel too bad about her being Jeff's ex because they only dated for a month. However, I am afraid it will turn into another Greenpeace type situation in that she sounds like she needs sex, a lot and a lot of sex. We'll see how that goes.

Garrett's band, Arlise Nancy, was playing. They are awesome. I <3 Garrett and Tim :D

Anywho, i think jeff and I are hanging out again tomorrow. I am really excited about it because I had always wanted to hang out with Jeff more often and then he moved away and then I moved away and he moved back when i was gone and now I'm back too!

Oh, but my roommate, Faith, was at the Vault too, and she was really drunk. And she was with these kinda weird guys, so, when her shirt came off I told her it was time to leave and we walked back home. Yeah. Now how to broach the subject without sounding like her father...

13th March 2011

4:55pm:

11th March 2011

7:29am: My Life
So, I just finished watching what may be a new favorite movie of mine, My Winnipeg, and it really got me thinking. The movie is this bizarre and awesome pseudo-documentary about a man, the filmmaker, trying to leave and disentangle himself from the blight that finds Winnipeg to be, but it is like a history of the city. The history, however, is strange and twisted and involve the homeless living in sky-riser top shantytowns, ancient underground rivers (and swimming pools), and horses who, while escaping a fire in the dead of winter, ran into the river only to be frozen with the expression of terror still etched on their heads protruding from the water.

Photobucket

At one point the filmmaker mentioned how eventually you miss the places from your past so much that in old photos you stop looking at the people and pay more attention to the backgrounds. It is a startlingly true observation. I know whenever I see pictures from my Grandma's old house in Chicago, I strain to remember the floors and shelves and knickknacks every little detail I can. My grandma sold the house to move into a high rise condo on Lake Shore Drive a few years before she died, and around the time she died we had heard word that the now sold house had been demolished. When I heard the news I spent night after night in bed in my mind slowly walking myself through the house, opening every door and exploring every room. The toughest part of the house was along the left side where there was a 3 doored storage shed and then the greenhouse.

I loved that house so much and as a kid I always wanted to live in it when I grew up. It was big and brown and had a large sweeping front yard that soared around the side of the house to the even larger backyard that bordered a wildlife preserve. There was always debate, apparently between my grandparents and the state as to how far back in the yard they could plant their flowers. But that always seemed a moot debate because deer were regularly wandering out into the yard. You would wake up in the morning and go into the sunroom, which was floor to ceiling windows, and step onto the cold tile floor and watch the deer walking around, eating the flowers and bushes.

The movie made me think of this because I know pictures of family members in that house exist, but I don't know if I actually value that stuff. When my parents die, will I really care to hang onto the photo albums my mom has been saving? What about the last 7-10 years, where there are hardly any photos, and even less that are printed anywhere. Should I really care. I don't know if I do, and I don't know if I am terrible for it. Great movie though.

28th February 2011

11:34pm: fuck that.
I can't believe my fucking parents would pull Allison into this shit. I don't want to go to school and I don't care if girls (Allison or otherwise) will not be with me because of it. If that is the case, then they aren't the kind of girls I want to be with to begin with!

27th February 2011

3:43am: Crappy Feelings
I need to make me happy, because I so seldom am. I dropped out of my one class I was taking this semester because I was doing it for my parents, and I hated it. I am so unmotivated to take classes and do much of anything else. I would say 60% of my life is spent either on the internet or asleep. I should keep a log with dates and times. I think I will start one. The only times I ever am happy is with friends and with my guitar. That is pretty much it. Isn't that pathetic? The rest of the time I am unhappy or just plain bored.

Does this sound like depression? Should I be seeing someone about this? I don't think of myself as someone who is depressed.

I hate this. I have to face my parents about it.

24th February 2011

6:53pm: Going to Georgia
I taught a beautiful girl this song once, and now we play it together and my heart wells up inside of me whenever I hear her tell me "it's the most extraordinary thing in the world..."

23rd February 2011

5:47am: I feel like decisions I make today will shape who I am moving forward. I feel like my future hinges on the littlest nothings.

22nd February 2011

12:51am: The Goings On
I spent about 35 minutes with Allison today. I texted her last night when I was absolutely and completely high out of my mind. I tried not to, but I may have never been this high before and had to mention a Pavement lyric I heard in an Immoor song. But about being high... I just listened to electronic music for two hours and ran my hands all over my body because I couldn't feel anything with my skin but could feel, like, under my skin. It may have been the best weed experience I've ever had because it usually is really meh. Especially high sex, I hate that. I tried it with Greenpeace a few times and it did not do it for me [More on Greenpeace later].

But Allison and I hung out because she started texting me this morning because I texted her last night. I was high until like, 9:30, and then kind of half-baked until 6, which is absurd. But we got Malhalo, which was really good. I told her I felt like I was lying to myself all weekend. I was trying to avoid texting her all weekend, and when she texted me, which she did all 3 days, I kept my responses short. That isn't me though. All I wanted to do is text her all the time. I sent her a postcard today from work that explains the kind of funk I've been in. (It was a slow day!) Idk, her "boy" leaves Wednesday. That's in time for her to still go to the hockey game that night. I expect her to tell me that they've become exclusive after the hockey game. Sam dumped me after going to an Eagles game in Denver, it seems only natural that more bad news would come after another Eagles game. What am I going to do?

Today she mentioned that she wanted to get inordinately drunk sometime soon, which is something I've been saying I've been wanting to do since I got back, so maybe that will happen. We both want to do other things to. But I guess I've been coping this weekend.

On Friday it was Stelth's birthday and Dovekins were playing a show at the Aggie! I brought cauliflower and snuck it to Griff before the show and he busted it out on stage and got everyone eating it and throwing it around and picking it up off the floor and people eating it more. It was fun. They played a super solid set, too. Afterwards, Head for the Hills played and I watched 20 mins of there set, in which they did a slammin "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" cover, before Patrick whisked me into the green room. I hung out there for a long while with Patrick, Jesse, and Stelth, and then Patrick, Jesse, and I went off to eat gyros and ended up watching Animanics. It was a rad night.

Then on Saturday it was Andy Manchel's birthday, so he invited me out to celebrate with him. It was busy at work and we ended up with some mistakenly poored wine, so Taylor, a coworker of mine, drank that, and then pregamed at work with one beer each and then headed to the Trailhead. There was a line, but we skipped it because Andy got us to. We all had a shot of Jegar, and then Taylor and I each had a pitcher of PBR. It was out of control. I only had had my first PBRs with Stelth and Jeff on Wednesday night, and then I downed 4 more. I was pretty blitzed. We all closed the bar and Taylor and I headed back to work where he had left his bike. We went inside to get some water and ended up hanging out talking at the Jean Benett Ramsey case for an hour while eating gummy bears. Then we went home. When I got home, I was happy to find Faith, one of my housemates, hanging out, so we kicked it for about an hour before heading off to bed. So that was a great night, too.

I'm running out of writing juice. I guess I'll have to save the Greenpeace story for another time. Oh, and some news about a movie series I might be curating too! :D

But one more thing. I found some old tapes, and I want to get back into recording this kind of stuff some more. Here are some examples...

Kasi
Sarah
Stelth

21st February 2011

1:58am: ----
I am loving not having facebook at this very moment because i have lots of things to say on it that i know i would regret saying tomorrow.

18th February 2011

3:01pm: Dream
I had a dream that I was playing for the Eagles and we were down 3-1, and then they scored on us again and there was just over 4 minutes left in the game. Then we scored two quick goals. One of my teammates got robbed on a breakaway that really looked like it went in with about 30 second's left. And then with 4.8 seconds left, I shot the puck to tie the game, but the goalie stopped it. On the replay you could see it went over the line, but the refs didn't look at the replay, and we lost. And it was sucky.

17th February 2011

8:02pm: At the Parent's
My parents are visiting my brother in Steamboat tonight and tomorrow, so I'm here taking care of the dogs.

I can't believe how much better sports look in HD, I'm watching my Bulls take on the west leading Spurs, and it is kind of out of control how cool it all looks. I've found basketball pretty boring over the last decade, but the Bulls are playing some exciting basketball; it's fast-paced, high-scoring, and Derrik Rose is gunning for the MVP award this season, so it makes the sport worth watching.

I'm working at the Lyric as the head projectionist, which is fun. The quality of their presentation has always been hit or miss, but we're already getting things turned around. We have a good crew of people who want the business to do well and who are willing to put a little extra effort to make it all happen. I am really liking the job, and really liking my coworkers.

What is also great about it is that my house is 3.5 blocks away. It is so wonderful; it only takes me five minutes to walk to work! It doesn't get much better than that. I am also a 8 minute walk to the Trail Head for trivia on Wednesdays, and I'm 4 blocks from my bank, and about a ten minute walk to the Alley Cat and Algiers. It couldn't be any better. I'm living with 3 girls, one of whom is never there, in a nice house that I pay $350+ utilities for. I am so digging it. I need gas in my car now, but since I only use it once every few days, I haven't fueled up in over two weeks!

I am taking some online classes through Front Range though, which I need to do work for. It is really, really hard to get motivated for that kind of thing. Uggg...

Allie came over today, which is becoming our usual Tuesday/Thursday tradition, to play guitar. On Tuesday, she broke a string, so today we went to Mountain Music to get her some guitar supplies: a capo, new strings, a tuner, and some picks. We picked up sandwiches at Pickle Barrel, and we went and played guitar. She had to leave around 5 to do laundry, fill out some college forms, and go see her "boy" who flew into Denver tonight. I guess in a perfect world she will realize, after having been able to see us each in the same day, that maybe she isn't as "in love" with him as she may have thought. I am trying not to let it bother me, and so far it hasn't too much, I don't know how the rest of the weekend is going to go though.

Other than that, it's Stelth's birthday tomorrow and Dovekins are opening for Head for the Hills at the Aggie. I've got a birthday joke/gift plan ready to give him during the show, so that'll be fun.

Well, back to the game, and then after that I really, really need to hit this homework thing... :/
1:46am: Continued
Allison came over and we talked. She knows how to calm me down, and keep me sane.

I asked her why she kept doing it, why she kisses me and holds me even if she loves some other guy. She answered that it was because they weren't dating and that it was fun. She said if she was in my position she would take a few steps back. I really don't want to do that though. If I take steps back now, when I'm ready to come back together she'll be gone off to law school, which is where she is going this summer.

I just feel like if I am miserable one third of a time but so fucking happy the other two thirds of the time it is okay, I guess. We're going to be forced apart this summer anyhow, so why not see this thing through? This girl is a laundry list of girls I "love." If I read this journal end to end, I bet I could find at least 40 girls I say I am in love with or I love. That is outrageous, but I am so sure of this. Lindsay never made me feel this way, Whitney never made me feel this way, Sam never made me feel this way, Allison makes me feel like her and I are separate from the rest of the world and that, because of that, we are our own world within our bubble. She makes me feel like nothing else matters; not money, not friends, not my job, not my family, not Egypt, not anything. When I am with her the rest of the world could burn to ashes and I wouldn't blink an eye.

I've said it countless times about countless other women before, but I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else ever. I don't know where my life would be without her, but it certainly wouldn't be how it is now. And every time I am with her and I can just forget about this other guy and everything else my life is so magical.

She is coming over tomorrow to play guitar more. We have to go to Mountain Music to get her some guitar supplies (and a new violin bow), and then she has to leave to see this boy. Until then, I expect my day to be magical, and hopefully I don't completely fall apart.

16th February 2011

1:44pm: Wreck
Well, I moved back to Fort Collins almost a month ago to the day. I was pretty excited to come back. I was so sick of the people in San Francisco. They are such flakes! The year I was there I didn't make one solid friend. Well, maybe one, one of my bosses. And now I'm living in a nice house on Remington and Olive, a block behind Jeju, and working at the Lyric as the lead projectionist. But, none of that is what inspired me to blog. It is this fucking girl thing.

God, I am so sick of my heart being crushed and inflated just to be crushed again. I was stoked to come back to Allison. Sure, she would be leaving for law school over the summer, but we could get in a good 5 months of at least solid hanging out. My last visit in November I started teaching her guitar, so we were going to continue that, and hot tubbing, and going to the bars, all wonderful things to do with a beautiful girl you love. And, I kid you not, literally a week before I moved back she fell in love with some dude she went to high school with who fell in love with her too.

What the fuck?

He goes to school in MN so up until right now it hasn't been an issue. Sure, I've been jealous, but we've still be doing all of those things I hoped we would do when I moved back, except have sex. But we've been playing guitar and hot tubbed and made out, I guess we haven't gone to the bars, or a hockey game, or Luciel's, or Malhalo yet, but those things were all on the docket. But this guy is flying in to see her this weekend, and it is destroying me inside.

Allison gives people colors. She is pink, I am blue, some people are green. It has to do with how they are as a person and how they feel. When I ask what makes him better than me it is because she can't decide what color he is. When I ask why he is better than me it is because it is so effortless. Why I ask why he is better than me it is that you just can't help who you fall in love with. Of course, this does me all of no good.

I love her so much that it hurts me inside. I can literally feel it in my chest. It is like there is something just inside my ribcage that is being wadded up into a ball like a piece of paper about to be thrown into the trash. But I love her so much that I feel that inside, too. When we play guitar sometimes, my insides well up and whatever that thing is expands and then explodes and all of the pieces go fluttering through my body and it is wonderful. But this, this just makes me want to ram my head through a window or door or wall. I know exactly how I would do it too because I can feel the pressure on the part of my head that would do the ramming. I can feel it pressing down on me an I can feel it collapsing inward.

I feel like a terrible cliché. I feel like this love is either going to end up succeeding and flourishing, or it will literally destroy me and the passion that burns inside me will end up totally engulfing me.

You know, I tell myself I'd do anything for her. But that is only 99% true, I can't be happy for her. I guess that makes me a complete jackass, but I just can't be. Sure, he is probably a fine guy, nothing against him, but I can't wholly endorse someone else being with and holding and loving the girl whom I would do anything (else) for. I don't know if it is fair of her to expect me to be happy for her. She says she'd be happy for me if I found someone, although she does say she would be a little bit jealous, but she says she'd be happy.

But that is just it, why would she be jealous if she has this other guy to care about? This is what gets me feeling uncomfortable, is it sometimes feels like I'm being used. It feels like she is having her cake and eating it, too. Here she has me, someone who is going to love her, wholeheartedly, no matter what, and I am her for her whenever she wants me, day or night, available physically and emotionally, and that isn't changing, but she also can test the waters for this other dude or whoever. Maybe she wants to get out there? We both were sleeping with a number of people when I was gone, and maybe she doesn't like the idea of just sleeping with me since I'm back. This could be a defense mechanism. She doesn't have to give herself to anyone if he lives a thousand miles away and is with him so that she doesn't have to give herself to me. But no matter what happens with him, no matter what risks she takes, no matter what mistakes she makes, I'm going to be there in the end. I don't know if I like that or not. Is that inviting her to walk all over me? Is that an invitation to use me? Is that encouraging her to take risks with other boys and when they don't work out come back to me? Those are the things that worry me. I feel like I would be hurting myself if I was happy for her. I would rather be upset and it shows that I have at least a shred of dignity, that I am not totally and compliant compliant.

Today, a friend of her's posted on her Facebook wall that she wanted to hang out this weekend. Allie couldn't because her "boy" was in town and that she "and everybody else" should come to Malhalo to meet him. We used to talk about going to Malhalo together, as recently as since I've been back, but it's never happened, and now they're doing it, and she's inviting all of her friends. I said I wanted to meet the guy, but she is against it, and for good reason probably. She has never taken me out to meet her friends. I guess we've never been in a "relationship" or "boyfriend/girlfriend," but if it acts like a duck and it quacks like a duck, what is it? She has always kept me sequestered from the rest of her life, and I asked her about it the other day. She says I'm in my own bubble, just for me, which I don't like. I understand wanting to have your own friends and that no one friend or boyfriend or whatever needs to infiltrate the rest of your life, but there is no reason to hide me away.

I hate that he is her "boy" now, too, and I don't understand it. She kissed me back as recently as yesterday. We made out on Friday. We showered together on Friday. How can someone do those things with someone and expect it to just be a friend thing? I know in my heart that she has feelings for me, but I don't know why she tries to bury them. I know it because of the way she runs her face into my chest and the way she smiles when I teach her guitar and the way she she sings little songs she made up that involve us and the way she pouts when she wants my attention and way she worries about me and the way she doesn't want to hurt me.

She mentions not wanting to hurt me often. She will say that, and then we both cry because I know she means it and she knows she is doing it. I don't know why she doesn't stop.

I should probably have never moved. It was a good experience overall, but I should never have left her behind. She says she doesn't think it would have worked out long-term because she had just gotten directly out of a relationship that came directly out of another relationship and she said it just couldn't have kept going like that. I don't think I accept that. All I know is we didn't even try. She has never even tried dating me.

I suspended my Facebook for a while because I can't stand the thought of reading more comments like that from her.

She is coming over right now to talk about it, and although I will want to mention every point in this update. I'll probably be a scattered mess.

25th October 2010

8:59pm: Still here
And still kickin'... I guess.

10th August 2010

2:10am: Long Time...
I realized I haven't updated my LJ bio in over five years...

31st July 2010

7:22pm: New New G2s Album!
Well, I've had the last four days off work, and in that time I was able to finish off a new album that I've been working on for a while. I'm super excited about it, it's got some foot stomping banjo tracks in it which I really like, and I hope you will, too!

You can stream the whole thing for free or download it all for free too, to check it out and let me know what you think!

1st June 2010

12:25pm: Older Ladies...
So, Wednesday night I went out with Jen from work and Chelsea and Keith to Edenburg Castle for drinks and it was outrageously packed. I scoped out a girl, put on the Putlack charm, and ended up at her place... another older girl though, 29. She hadn't been with a 22 year old since she was 20, but she seemed to enjoy herself and it looks like we'll be getting back together later this week, which is exciting. :P

The next day was opening day of Sex and the City 2, and it was ridiculous. I wore a full tux all weekend and the drunk cougars were all over me. It was pretty silly and altogether hilarious.

Then last night I tended bar and I had my most successful night ever. It was pretty awesome. Then i went to the mission to hang out with a friend. I crashed her couch and rode my bike back from her place this morning.

Now, i'm chillin with luke, becca, and chelsea, waiting to all go look at a place to maybe move to here soon on Clement...

13th May 2010

5:41pm: Work, Aids, and Women
So, what a time I've had the last few weeks. Work has been kinda crazy. We had the san francisco international film festival there for two weeks, which was a blast, and I met a woman who was in town to work the festival from Washington state. We got to talking and hanging out and then sleeping together for two weeks. It was really spectacular. She left for L.A. a few days ago for work (she is a movie producer, like, she has an imdb page and is in the Producers Guild of America...) but is going to visit on her way back up to WA in a week or two, which should be fun. She is 31, which, at first I had mixed feelings about, but I have come to realize that it doesn't really matter. She is beautiful, gorgeous, cuddly, and totally out of my league. :) It was my first experience with sex without love. I didn't feel empty inside, which is what I thought I might feel, but it didn't feel as intense. So, while not as good as it is emotionally as it is with someone that I love, it still is really great. Now, I just have to make sure not to become a slut...

I'm running in aids walk this July, and I need people to sponsor me! http://awsf2010.kintera.org/MichaelPutlack so... do that ;)

Other than that, on monday I leave for a cousin's bar mitzvah in FLA, which should be a blast. I am really, really looking forward to the beach and the sun!
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